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one step forward…

I feel like I should have seen this coming.

I have a long and complicated history of burnout, as those of you who have been around here for a while probably already know. I bounce through jobs like a revolving door met a Ferris wheel and had a good old-fashioned frolic in the new-mown hay.

silhouette image of flowers against the sunset in shades of blues and purples fading to bright yellow and orange
silhouette. © 2021 k. rowan jordan-abrams

This time around at least I’m doing it right. I put in the application back before Christmas, and the applications are good for a month.

If you can’t guess, or you hadn’t seen me mention it elsewhere, I’m going back to the one thing I know I’m truly good at. Driving a big rig. Don’t worry, I’m not putting going back to school on hold either. I think that I should well and be able to keep up with the course load of two classes at a time even with this somewhat abrupt left turn in trajectory.

I wrote a really nice letter for my two-weeks notice (although whether I’ll be allowed to carry out and finish the term of my employment that I said I will will be anyone’s guess; I don’t take my current workplace to be somewhere that would fire me for giving notice, but then again, I’m no soothsayer either). That’s getting emailed out to HR right around the timing of this post being published, as well.

That makes this real.

The recruiter I worked with at the temp agency the job is through told me, based on our previous conversations, “I thought you wanted an office job.” and as for my response to that? ”I thought I did, too.”

One of my partners was supposed to come down to visit in between me leaving and me starting the trucking job, but unfortunately due to the ongoing pandemic and the difficulty in getting a covid test, we cancelled those plans and tabled them for another time in the future.

I’m writing this over some time though, as a running litany of all the little things that make the decision real in my head:

  • making the list of pros and cons and weighing it, fully
  • talking to my therapist and the validation that my logic pans out and makes sense
  • calling the recruiter and putting in an application
  • taking the duffel bag I want to use out of the shed
  • doing a dry run of packing for the road
  • taking the big sleeping bags that I use as a mattress pad to the laundromat…

and so many more things over the next two and a bit weeks, then I’ll be off to orientation and hopefully getting assigned a truck and back to driving.

When it comes down to it, the way I see it is like this. Working at a job is participating in capitalism, and just like there is no ethical consumption under capitalism, in many ways having a job is destined to be miserable at least part of the time. At least, that’s how it has always seemed to me.

Moreover, as far as my own disability goes, although driving a truck may not be the best thing I can do for my mobility and physical health, sitting at a desk all day wasn’t doing me very much good either. This way I’m more active. So when it comes down to it, I’m going to pick my battles, and I’m going to be miserable occasionally doing something that overall makes me happy.

And that’s driving.

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here we go.