I thought it would be easier…

Being home every night instead of away for two weeks to months at a time.

Going back to school.

Having a desk job.

Being able to focus on my mental health, really focus on it, which has included being able to seek mental health treatment that wasn’t available to me while I was an over-the-road truck driver due to the overwhelming stigma against mental health problems in much of the transportation industry.

I thought it would be easier.

I’m nearly all the way through my first semester back, and given as I also have a desk job that is currently 40 hours/week and holds the potential to be more hours/week, I’m going to be cutting back and completing the rest of my community college over three additional semesters instead of two. I don’t think it will make a difference to my prospective applications to university level studies anyway, as the local school doesn’t do spring transfer admissions and thus if I had done it at three classes per semester I would have simply had an entire six months of no school in between finishing at community college and starting at university.

I miss the road. I miss waking up somewhere new every day, I miss the scenery, I miss the way that focusing on driving allowed me to not feel like the inside of my head was a nightmare that I might never escape from.

But I got to go to services in person yesterday evening at an LGBTQ+ synagogue here in Los Angeles (okay, they’re over an hour away from me driving but it was worth it).

I get to play with my cat every day and hug my spouse every day.

I’m making progress.

And it’s worth it.