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choosing now

When I first asked my now-fiancx to marry me, it was half a joke, half a throw for the far future, some time when things were more stable or we had accomplished this that or the other thing.

“If I’m very, very lucky, will you marry me some day?” Some day.

The second time I asked them to marry me, I meant it. And it was complicated for a few days, maybe a few weeks, as we navigated what our version of polyamory means for us and what would or wouldn’t change if we got actually married. There was a bit of tension between myself, and my metamour, as I reiterated both to him and to myself that asking my fiancx to marry me did not and does not in any way invalidate their relationship. On the contrary, being able to see their relationship brings me a great sense of compersion; being able to do things that validate it and enable them to have their own experiences even moreso. But marriage was still something that was for the future —

We wanted to go to Las Vegas, because it’s a location that’s easy enough for family members to be able to come and celebrate with us, yet far enough away that we felt like we would be able to make the experience stand out for us. Plus, the cliché of it is funny to us.

Then of course, the COVID-19 pandemic happened, and where before they usually came out over-the-road with me for my job and rode along on the truck right up until the start of winter, our world got smaller. I didn’t want my fiancx to come on the road with me and be exposed at countless shippers and numerous truck stops while so many other truck drivers were behaving with what I saw as recklessness in light of the risks. With all of that went the chances of having the wedding we had envisioned, so instead we figured that we would have our wedding and get married, legally, after.

Doing it after the pandemic would leave us plenty of time to plan. We envisioned at first that it would perhaps happen in the spring of next year. Or maybe closer to summer. I’ll be the first to admit that I tried very hard to cling to optimism about what was yet to come.

Since then, I left the job I was at; I had been close to burning out on being over-the-road.

My fiancx and I moved back to California, both to be closer to my parents and because with how long I was away from home at a time, we lived at a point which was too rural perhaps even for us. We repainted the guest house that my parents had originally built for my maternal grandparents in preparation for moving in. Santa Ana winds knocked over the catalpa tree in my parents’ back yard and knocked out the power and the internet. I got a rejection from somewhere that I had submitted writing to, and on the same day as that, the local job that I was hoping to get in California fell through.

So instead I accepted another job, this one regional. It will keep me closer to home should something happen for which I need to return, and I’ll be home every other weekend, far more frequently than I was with my previous positions.

But moreover, we also know that there won’t be a clear end to the pandemic now.

Although Las Vegas is less than a five hour drive from where we now live, any reality in which we would get to take a vacation and go up there and get married now feels impossibly far away.

The most recent time I asked my fiancx to marry me was in our chat window over Messenger. Their response was, “lmao when?” at which point, I responded with, “this weekend or next week?” Because when it comes down to it, I love them, and I don’t want to keep waiting and pretending that at some point things will be normal again. (Of course, things like benefits eligibility as I start a job with better benefits than I previously had figures into the equation as well.)

We’ve booked an appointment at one of the same-day wedding parlours around here for this coming Friday, at which point we will make official our legal entanglement with each other.

Safely masked and socially distanced from the officiant, of course.

We do not have any particular wedding registry or anything as such. We are both immensely grateful for all of our friends both digital and otherwise and the support that we’ve received throughout moving and everything; please please please do not feel obligated to get us anything just because we’re getting married.

I jokingly in some various text messages referred to it as completing our legal entanglement and have kept doing so because that, too, is funny. And while, yes, there is meaning and such attached to it, we’re having a small and simple civil ceremony for the primary purposes of said legal entanglement.

I don’t expect much else to change. I’ve loved my fiancx since we first met, when the same evening as I had picked them up to come over-the-road with me for the summer, we wandered through a store, giggling, hand in hand.

This? Is just putting that on paper.


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